


The One With The Boobies

by anna_sun



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Kissing, Masturbation, One Shot, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, but mostly its just porn, its shameful shameful porn, like it gets kind of fluffy i guess, make out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 05:44:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9643106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anna_sun/pseuds/anna_sun
Summary: Amy accidentally catches Jake in the midst of pleasuring himself. Other things ensue.(This is crack, just completely mad, explicit crack.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Don't let this porn fool you into thinking it has a plot. 
> 
> I wouldn't say this was inspired by the Friends episode of the same title but, it definitely came to mind when I got the idea. So. 
> 
> Here we go. Enjoy!

Jake Peralta was a dead man.

Amy came back to the precinct on the last Friday night of the month to grab her cellphone, which, when she’d left earlier that evening, had stupidly forgotten in the top drawer of her desk. When she opened said drawer, though, what she saw wasn’t her cellphone, but a chicken sandwich. And various bags of chips, and something jelly-looking she couldn’t even manage to identify, contained in a jar. 

It took her a solid second to figure out that all of the contents of her desk, her usually clearly organized, clean desk, had been taken out and replaced. When she looked around the precinct and noticed Scully, trying unsuccessfully to fit her entire cellphone into his mouth, she didn’t need to be that much of a great detective to figure it all out.

Jake Peralta, truly, was a dead man.

-

Amy helplessly tried to join Jake multiple times on the way over, her thumb repetitively pressing the _call_ button on the steering wheel, and she eventually lost count of how many times she had to angrily say " _Call Jake Peralta"_ to the engine before inevitably falling onto the voicemail. She knew he didn’t check his messages, but she nevertheless left a variety of insults and threats, ranging from her simply yelling his name in anger to very detailed descriptions of how she was going to rip his eyeballs out and feed them to some stray dogs. _Let’s see how good of a detective you are without eyesight, Peralta!_

When she finally parked in front of his place and slammed the door of her car shut, the walk to his apartment felt endless. She knew Jake generally pulled harmless pranks, and this one could have been harmless enough, but her desk was a sacred place, damn it, and she had a right to be angry about him messing with her personal belongings. She had a right to come over and require for him to go back there and fix it, because there was no way she was going to be the one to spend hours overnight fixing his bad and stupid, _very stupid_ , practical joke.

The loud knocks she basically attacked Jake’s front door with were probably heard by the entire population of the building, and yet Jake didn’t answer. She waited for a while, and it’s only then that it occurred to her that there was a high possibility Jake wasn’t even home. It was Friday night, after all.

She was on the verge of accepting defeat when she remembered she had a spare key and, even if it was to be used in cases of emergency only, she figured that, well. Jake could probably use a taste of his own medicine. Coming home to find all of his clothes hanging loosely all around, let’s say, the kitchen, for example, would probably make for a great lesson.

Amy knew she had to be the bigger man in situations like these, especially when they included Jake, but before she could overthink the whole thing, she was twisting the key in the lock and entering Jake’s apartment.

It wasn’t as messy as she’d expected it to be. There were some dishes laying around the living room, but from the looks of it they weren’t that old, so she had to at least give him that. Nothing was clean but nothing was exactly dirty, either. It brought a smile on her face, because everything here was so _Jake_ , the multiple massage chairs, the posters covering the walls, the bowl of frosted flakes on the counter.

Her smile remained and turned into somewhat of a devilish smirk when she remembered what exactly she was here to do. She also had no idea when Jake was to come home, so she had to make this quick.

Her first mistake was opening Jake’s bedroom door without much thought, as if it was her own.

Her second mistake was standing idly by the door frame and finding herself staring at a very naked, very masturbating, Jake.

He was laying down on his bed, stark naked, eyes shut close, and pleasuring himself. He had earphones in, but his phone, which Amy noticed was still playing some porn video, laid unoccupied next to his body, because Jake’s attention was now rather focused on something else – on himself.

Amy’s mouth opened and closed back again in absolute panic and she was about to scream and get out, she really was, but then his hips started bucking up into his fist, _vigorously_ , and before she knew it his mouth was gaping in a moan and he was opening eyes and very much _staring_ at her as he came.

"What the fuck!" He yelled, and he let go of his dick to frantically tap around the bed and find covers to cover himself with. Sounds came out of Amy’s mouth, something along the lines of _I’m- Oh- Fuck- I- Sorry!_ , and then her legs _finally_ started working again and she was out of the room and closing the door behind her.

In the silence of the hallway, her heart thumped, trying to burst out of her chest, and a shaky hand raised up to cover her mouth in absolute shock. This was- this was _bad_. Not only the complete awkwardness and shame, but the fact that she hadn’t exactly found the sight of him unpleasing. The flame of arousal she still felt burning low in her belly was there to prove exactly how much. This was _really_ bad.

She slowly walked down the hall and found herself in Jake’s living room again. God, she would never be able to look him in the eye. Should she just be letting herself out? Would he even be able to come out of his bedroom and face her, after this?

She started walking in circles despite herself, both hands buried deep into her own hair as she considered simply leaving, and just when she was about to do so, she found herself face to face with Jake.

Sweatpants hanged dangerously low on his hips and a shirt was thankfully doing its job and covering his upper body, but he was clearly still not wearing any underwear, because Amy could definitely see an outline, where his dick hadn’t soften up completely just yet, and she was so busted, because suddenly he was yelling, "Amy! Stop looking!" and covering his crotch with both hands.

"I-Fuck! Sorry!" She panicked and completely turned around so she wouldn’t have to look at his face when she added, "I didn’t mean to- see that, oh my god, Jake, I’m so sorry."

"Why- What are you even doing here? Is everything okay?" He asked, and thankfully he couldn’t see her cringe. God, this had gone from really bad to worse. Jake thought some kind of emergency had brought her here.

"It’s – it’s not important." She shyly turned her head to steal a look at him, and he was simply standing there, arms crossed over his chest and a blush on his cheeks, and he looked so small, so shy and so _small_. Though, considering everything, she thought he was handling the situation pretty well.

She turned around to face him and sighed before she explained, "Okay, the stupid shit you did to my desk?" She hinted, and he awkwardly coughed and looked away. "I tried calling you about it but you wouldn’t answer, so I decided to come over to tell you to fix it, but when you didn’t come to the door, I figured – I figured I’d give you a taste of your own medicine. Or whatever."

A heavy silence fell upon them and he cleared his throat, before he said, "So, you’re telling me you broke into my apartment to… prank me?"

She nodded and cleared her throat as well, before she clarified, "Well, I wouldn’t say _broke into_. I have a key."

"Amy," he said and gave her a look, but she deliberately avoided his gaze.

"Okay, well, this was fun!" She exclaimed brightly, "I’m going to go now. Night!"

The smile splattered on her face was deliriously fake and her body and mind were both set on leaving when Jake grabbed her by the arm.

"Wait! You can’t go now," he said, and why the hell was he smiling? "You know that episode of Friends? The one with the boobies?"

He was still talking and making his way to the kitchen, so she followed him, though somewhat relentlessly. Where was he going with this?

"I guess?" she said, and he shook his head, as if disappointed.

"To refresh your memory," he said as he started eating cereals directly from the package (Amy’s deranged train of thoughts brought her to believe Jake Peralta was definitely hungry after having an orgasm, and that new piece of information about her partner brought a blush to her cheeks). "It’s the episode where Chandler accidentally sees Rachel’s, well, boobies."

"Yeah?" she prompted, growing almost impatient. She absolutely hated when Jake took forever to get to a point.

"Well, they figure out that the best way to end this fair game, is if Chandler shows Rachel his… well, his dong."

Jake’s words resonated in Amy’s mind until it clicked, and when it finally did, she pulled a face and started yelling, "Ew! Jake, no! That’s- it was an accident, I’m not going to show you anything in return!" She couldn’t believe he would even propose such a thing (though, in the back of Amy’s mind, there was a stupid voice that said, _it means he wants to see you_ , but she shut it down as soon as it started talking).

"It’s only fair!" He argued, flinging his arms wide, resulting in some cereals falling to the floor. "Tits for tats! You saw me at my most vulnerable, shameful state, Amy! How can I live on knowing you have this knowledge, nay, this _power_ , over me? I mean, I was fucking my fist, for crying out loud! You saw little Jakey! You saw me _come_!"

"You call that thing _little?"_  Came out of Amy’s mouth before she could stop it, realizing too late that was definitely _not_ the part of his speech she was supposed to focus on, and the smile that broke Jake’s face in half made her regret it instantly. She was never going to live this down.

"Impressed by what you saw, huh?" he smirked deviously at her, and she groaned, rolled her eyes.

"Don’t worry," Jake added, and then practically purred when he said, "I’m sure I will be too."

She wanted to roll her eyes again and tell him to fuck off, but then she considered everything he’s said, and even if most of it was complete Peralta madness and shouldn’t make any ounce of sense, it also kind of did.

Amy had walked into his apartment and they’d been equals. Partners. Now, she’d seen a part of Jake she could never unsee (not that she really wanted to), and it did seem only fair that he got to see the same.

"Okay," she agreed, and _not_ because of the voice in the back of her head who was now curious about where this could lead them to. Jake did a double-take when he heard her say the word. "Okay, I’ll flash you."

He instantly became as excited as a child, carelessly dropping the box of cereal on the counter and making his way to the living room (of course, she followed).

"What? Okay, wait, we need to think this through," he said, and she muttered an exasperated _oh, c’mon_ , under her breath, but he ignored her. "How long are we talking about here? A couple of seconds? What seems fair?"

_A couple of seconds_. Amy thought back on that moment, barely fifteen minutes ago, when she stood by his bedroom door and watched, _stared_ , without being noticed. Without saying anything. It might have been only a couple of seconds, but it seemed to last forever, and she’d been able to observe an awful lot.

A blush involuntarily creeped up her neck, and he was an arrogant genius (though that she would never admit), so it didn’t take long for him to connect some dots and come to a conclusion.

"Oh my God, Amy Santiago, how long did you watch me?" He asked, sounding completely bewildered and seeming shaken, vaguely shocked. That was a look she’d rarely had the chance to see on Jake Peralta.

The words spluttered out of her mouth, "I froze, okay?! I completely froze and I was about to leave when you opened your eyes!"

He was shaking his head and laughing, mostly out of awkwardness, before he said, "Okay, well – fuck, this changes everything! Not to mention that you’re a perv."

"What do you mean, this changes everything?" She asked, choosing to ignore the part about her being a pervert. "This doesn’t change anything, I’ll flash you, we’ll be square, that’s it."

He smirked and took a step closer, gently grabbing her chin by his thumb and index finger when he said, "Well – now, I’m thinking I’d like to see you come."

Normally, Amy would yell "Gross!" in indignation and push him away, but Jake didn’t look gross. He didn't even look like he was joking. He looked sweet, sure of himself, and maybe even a little bit - could he really be? - hopeful. 

She thickly swallowed, desperately searching for a confidence she knew she didn't have when she whispered, "Me too.'' 

His eyes widened in a flash of shock but he quickly recovered. The tiniest hint of a smile grew on his face, and Amy couldn't help herself. She kissed it off of him, more or less attacking Jake's lips with her own, something he definitely did not see coming because he stumbled a few steps back before his hands finally found her waist and steadied her closer. 

''Amy, are you-'' he tried to break off the kiss by talking, but with her best efforts she continued kissing him, and by the time he managed to ask, ''Are you sure?'', he was laughing. 

She thankfully got enough of her self-control back to stop kissing him and really look into his eyes when she said, ''I am. Are you?'' 

His answer was to bring their lips back together, though this time smoother, and Amy flushed their bodies close, pressing him against the wall. Her hands grew a mind of their own and started wandering from his shoulders to his chest, his ribs, his back. She learned that Jake loved being touched, because he was responding to every touch with more, with a gasp, or with a hand gently applying pressure to the small of her back. 

Before Amy knew or could overthink it, she was slowly rutting her hips against his, feeling his length grow harder through the fabric of his sweats and poking her at the thigh. She smirked and one of her hands traveled down to nudge at the elastic of his pants, but then his hand came to cover hers and stop her from making any further movement. 

''I thought we'd agreed this wasn't about me,'' he said, and an instant wave of heat crashed through Amy's core. With fluttering eyelids she nodded at him, and Jake's head thumped against the wall when she started popping the buttons of her blouse open, one by one. As soon as the piece of clothing was removed completely to reveal her bra, she unhooked it, letting it fall to the floor freely. 

Amy strongly resisted the urge to cover her breasts with both hands and simply let Jake's eyes see as they wished. She felt awkward for a moment, but only a moment, because soon enough there were warm hands on her waist and a mouth nibbling at the skin of her neck, and said hands swiftly traveled up her body to cup both her breasts in handfuls. 

''Fuck, Amy,'' Jake breathed near her earlobe, and she shivered at the sound of his voice. His hands worked their magic as she took on the task of removing her pants, and suddenly she was only wearing panties, topless, in Jake's living room.

''Can we - take this to the bedroom?'' She asked, and Jake smiled, laughed under a, ''I thought you'd never ask.'' 

She kissed him chastely one more time before she let herself be lead to his bedroom. She couldn't quite believe this was really happening, her and Jake, Jake and her. It had always been a thought in the back of her mind, a stupid idea she could never quite shake off, one that always had her finding herself staring at him from across his desk in wonder.

She didn't have to wonder anymore; Jake was kissing her and gently leading her down to the bed, hovering over her and leaving wet traces from his lips on her skin, from her neck to her breasts and even the dip of her stomach, where he playfully bit down on the flesh. 

She squealed in surprised, laughed, and he came back up to her, so she could stare into his wide, stupid eyes. He rested their foreheads together, sharing every breaths, and then one of his hands sneaked down low. He didn't ask with words but he didn't have to; she nodded her agreement and suddenly her panties were coming off. 

She expected him to touch her, to feel how wet she already was for him, but instead, the devilish smile came back on his face. Amy didn't think she could ever admit how much that turned her on. 

''Touch yourself,'' Jake requested before he removed his own shirt. To see him also show some skin comforted her more than she thought would. ''Touch yourself for me, please, Amy.''  

When she didn't move and simply stared at him, he shook his head and hovered down to suck a nipple into his mouth. She yelped in surprise, and both of her hands found his hair, which she grabbed without restraint. He released her breast only to say, ''C'mon, Ames, I know you want to,'' and then he was back to it, and he was right, of course he was. Her pussy ached for some kind of relief, and she understood then, with his mouth around her left nipple and both his hands firmly on the sides of her chest, that he wasn't going to give her any. 

She surrendered and her right hand let go of Jake's hair to travel down her own body. When he noticed, he hummed in approval, and when she got a finger on her clit, she moaned. 

''Fuck - Jake,'' she breathed out as her hand started rubbing in a pattern of tiny circles she knew well. She dipped down to feel her wetness, and her middle finger easily slid inside of her, and she almost stopped breathing then. 

Jake was watching her, rather intensively. He'd stopped paying attention to her nipple and was resting most of his weight on his two elbows, now, looking down and watching Amy's hand at work. To see him so entranced gave her a push of confidence, and she started fucking herself faster, another finger joining the first and her thumb finding her clit. 

''God,'' he exhaled, the muscles in his abdomen contracting, and his eyes looked up to find hers. "Who knew you were hiding all of this under those pantsuits."

She was getting close, so she chose to ignore his stupid comment. Instead, she concentrated on this particular position of her hand, which never failed to bring her close in a quick amount of time. It was even better now, with Jake there, watching her, openly _liking_ watching her. 

All of the intense eyes contact also didn't help at all. 

''Jake- I'm close,'' she said, and as if on command her hips started bucking up against her hand, which is when Jake's hand found her wrist and lead it away. She was about to complain, rather angrily, but Jake was quick and he smirked before he dipped two long fingers inside of her, his thumb finding her clit to mirror what she'd been doing. 

The moan that escaped her lips then was unholy. Jake's fingers were so much better, bigger, _faster_ , and he showed her absolutely no mercy. 

In no time, she was openly gasping for breath, and surely enough she was coming, her walls convulsing around his fingers and a moan stretched into what could have easily been described as a scream passed her lips when Jake continued to fuck her relentlessly through the orgasm. 

When it was done, he dropped heavily next to her, and she would later argue that his chest was heaving as much as hers was, even though his erection still clearly tented his sweatpants. 

After a moment of them trying to recover the ability to speak, she started laughing. 

''What's so funny?'' He asked curiously, turning his head to observe her. 

Still laughing, she shook her head before she rested her cheek on the mattress, facing him. 

''I still want you to fix your stupid desk prank, Peralta'' she said, and when she'd left the precinct for his apartment only but a couple of hours ago, she never thought she'd be saying this with a smile on her face. 

Yet, here she was. 

**Author's Note:**

> I realize I am better at writing fluff, but this popped into my brain last night and I could not rest until it was a thing. So, it's a thing, now. Hopefully a thing that was somewhat funny and hot? Let me know what you think, I could really use some feedback on this. Comments always make  
> my day.
> 
> Anyways! Thanks for reading!!


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